


what the water gave me

by indestinatus



Category: NCIS
Genre: Anxiety, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Inspired by Sleeping At Last, Sad with a Happy Ending, my bbs being real people and facing problems like real people do, this is creative writing hidden in a fic plot and that's all I have to say for myself, who am I kidding everything I write is inspired by sleeping at last, you know like Hozier said
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:09:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24754507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/indestinatus/pseuds/indestinatus
Summary: An event conjures up memories from Ziva's past and she has no choice but to face them.Except for this time, something's different.She's not alone anymore.
Relationships: Ziva David/Anthony DiNozzo
Comments: 18
Kudos: 48





	what the water gave me

**Author's Note:**

> *inspired by the line **"You know I'll take my heart clean apart if it helps yours beat"** from the song _Two_ by Sleeping At Last.

The water had turned colder than how she felt, and that really meant something.

Ziva watched her hair floating all around her, the fluidity of the movement slowing down her breathing to a numbing pattern. She felt everything out of focus, her puffy eyes making her vision too blurry to distinguish the tears already hidden amongst the cold filled bathtub. Her arms wrapped her knees as if in an attempt to contain how heavy her heart felt, how opaque, just like the gray water embracing her.

There certainly were days when the air was light. When the walls around her were comforting, not confining. When laughter reigned and she forgot what sadness felt like, for days, weeks even. There were times not even _she_ could believe reality had been so kind to her, to had given her a second chance to _live_ again.

But there were also days when the shadows were too present for her to ignore. The past was too bold, too strong.

The strangest things can conjure up the past.

This time it was the water.

There were two times in her life when water had practically saved her.

One had been the first shower she had taken after returning from Somalia, a lifetime ago. The water had cleaned the dirt from her skin, along with the mud from her heart. She will forever remember how blinding it was. To feel the sharp drops of water in her face again.

How raw. How freeing.

She had embraced death as a friend for months then, for what had felt like years, only to be reborn with the taste of cold water in her tongue, of salty tears and blessed laughter. Life had given her a chance of standing up again, even with a dozen new more figures now invariant shadows in the back of her mind. That water had saved her, but it also had made her sharper.

The water had given her another layer of armor for her to bear.

The second time it had been after she stopped running. After Sahar was finally gone and there was only the future to think about, only the thrill of happiness being finally in her reach. She never believed that she would experience that feeling again, of relief hugging her from the inside.

But then water washed away the past for her one more time and gave her yet another chance. Of seeing her family, of _being_ with her family. Of having a family, perhaps for the first time in her life.

The water had taken away the heavy layer of armor she had worn all those years.

But now the water felt cold.

The longer she stayed in the bathtub, the further her mind dug into the past. What was supposed to be a common day, a relaxing shower, had turned into something deeper, into memories running loose through the cracks of her shield. Suddenly everything was made of shadows.

The water had brought everything to the surface, even if it was as still as her heart.

Anxiety makes any silence so loud.

Ziva stayed inside the bath, her fingertips already numb and her mind screaming things she wished she could've been forgotten. Her chest felt too tight, her body too small. Black clouded her vision and stung in her tongue.

Everything was darkness, cold engulfed her and was pulling her even closer. A storm of cloudy thoughts overlapped, creating a hurricane in her mind.

All she felt was black.

Then the sound of his breathing hit her ears.

And the world reappeared again.

* * *

Tony had been calling her name more times than he could count.

He knocked on the door to ask her what she wanted for dinner, but received only silence in return. And when it came to Ziva, silence could mean a lot of things.

And his gut somehow knew what this particular silence meant. It was the deafening kind.

Her name once again left his lips in a sharp intake of breath when he saw her in the bathtub, head rested in her forearms and body clearly shivering from the cold. She looked unbelievably small with all the gray water surrounding her, and fear instantly invaded his thoughts.

" _Ziva_ ," his muffled voice came into view the same time steady hands held her shoulders. She winced.

Tony squatted down to her level, wide eyes searching hers. Ziva knew him too well to avert his gaze, but she also knew he would see right through her. That was why she always hid these things from him.

He finally made her look at him, the truth slipping through the corner of her red eyes.

Sometimes armors fall apart.

Ziva saw his look soften almost imperceptibly. He nodded, a hand squeezing her shoulder. He watched her for a while. She was surprised that there was no pity. No, it was something else.

Understatement.

Tony said nothing as he stood up and took the drain out of the bathtub. Ziva stopped looking at him to stare at the water, slowly disappearing from view.

Washing away her memories, taking them with it.

Then she suddenly noticed she was shivering.

He must have noticed it as well, because she instantly felt a towel being wrapped around her shoulders.

But even with that, Ziva couldn't move. It was as if any fraction of movement would shatter everything, like her shield was now made of glass. Everything felt numb.

Again, Tony didn't utter a word as his arm circled the inside of her legs and the other supported her shoulders into his arms. Soon her face was at the crook of his neck and his scent invaded her senses, the smell of _home_ making her feel even more fragile.

Once Ziva opened her eyes, she noticed the pool of water forming on his shoulder. She didn't notice she was crying, she-

"Don't. I will wet your clothes," she said almost in a whisper.

_Is this what being vulnerable feels like?_

"I couldn't care less about them right now."

He cradled her closer, putting her in his lap as they sat on the edge of the bed. Ziva noticed her hand was touching the back of his short hair, as if trying to grasp what was real.

She made him look at her.

"How?" said Ziva.

Tony only waited, studying her eyes they way he usually did when he wanted to see beyond her walls.

"How," she repeated, her throat closing. "How could you forgive me from losing so much time? Tony, I-"

Tony closed his eyes, purposedly ending the connection they had. He shook his head, inhaling.

"Ziva, I know you. I know you better than you know yourself," he opened them, and the honesty was so brutal it almost made Ziva flinch. "And I don't want to talk about myself right now."

He studied her, waiting for what she knew was him asking permission to let him in. To let herself go.

Tony nestled her better in his arms, a hand taking out the wet hair from her face.

"Tell me where it hurts," he said.

And something in Ziva snapped.

No one had ever asked her that. People always asked if she was _fine_ , but that never and _would_ never help in anything. It was the same as asking a soldier how the war had been.

He asked as if he _knew_. He already knew there was pain, he needed no confirmation.

He just needed to tear it down.

Tears were already flowing freely as sobs started to shake her body more than the cold. And with that, Ziva let go, her walls breaking down as she found rest on the crook of his neck.

"Try to breathe," he said in her hair.

And between sharp intakes of breath, she tried, as he continued to rock her in his arms.

"I am so tired of being afraid."

"You don't have to anymore."

"But-"

"Ziva. You are safe. I-" Tony kissed her hair as her crying subsided to calming sobs, pulling everything into focus. "I am here. You're not alone. You don't need to... I'll keep you safe. _I will keep you safe_."

Ziva nodded in his neck, trying to breathe as tears continued to silently trail her cheeks.

"You did enough," his hand caressed her back up and down, his cheek resting on hers as soft kisses were placed in her temple.

His breathing in her ear was incredibly soothing, his arms creating the shield she thought it had shattered.

"You are enough. You're more than enough."

And with those words, Ziva David was saved.

* * *

Half an hour later, she could smell dinner being prepared, the scent coming from the kitchen incensing the whole house. There was something comforting in the familiarity of it.

Ziva inhaled deeply, tucking her hair behind her ears as she nodded to the mirror.

It cast a small smile back to her. She huffed.

It was time again.

To start over.

She found Tony behind the counter, his back to her as he pointed inside the oven and muttered something to Tali squatting down at his side. Giggles followed, and he grinned wide enough for Tali to mimic him without thinking.

Ziva smiled softly. The flutter inside her chest gave her a reassurance she didn't know she needed.

She made sure to make some noise as she pulled the chair out of the dinner table. She didn't want Tali to notice her swollen eyes, so she fixed them on the little cracks of the wooden table instead.

"She asked for pizza. Is it okay?"

Ziva somehow knew his words meant so much more than what he had said. It had always been their game, for more than a decade.

"Yes," she replied, nodding while she felt his eyes on her. "Yes, I believe it is okay."

"Okay."

A pause followed, to what she felt was an eternity, but she continued to scrap the wooden table wondering if she had left those marks or if it was someone else.

"Tali," said Tony. "Why don't you show your mother what you did? I think she would love to see it."

Ziva turned to him at that, finding an amused smile on his face.

 _Are you up for the challenge?_ it said.

Ziva huffed in return, and they shared a look between them.

_As I will ever be._

Tali came running into view, putting a drawing in front of her. She watched her face waiting for a reaction, but Ziva only asked for her to sit on her lap and explain it to her.

"This is me," said Tali, pointing to the figure in the middle of it, covered in glitter and flowers all over her dress. If she hadn't mentioned it, Ziva doubted she would have found that out, she laughed.

"This is Abba," a taller figure was standing right next to her, holding her hand. There was a bright yellow pizza in his other hand.

"And this is you!"

Ziva was holding her other hand, and above her head, there were a dozen of little hearts.

"Why am I orange?"

"Because you're happy," said Tali as a matter-of-factly. "And being happy makes you warm, so I had to put it this way, _obviously_."

"Obviously."

Ziva chuckled, looking at Tony. He only shrugged, telling her he had nothing to do with it.

"And who's that?"

"That's Max."

"Max?" asked Ziva.

"The unicorn," Tony replied.

"Ah, of course. Sorry, I had not seen the... The..."

"The mane."

"Yes, thank you," Ziva said. He was already laughing. "The mane. With all this glitter and color. Is he happy too? Max?"

"He is happiness."

There are some weird things children say that makes you question your whole existence. Ziva only nodded slowly, suspecting Tali understood something that was way beyond her.

Then she realized she didn't feel sad anymore.

"Dinner's ready!" said Tony as a ding on the clock showed him it was time to take it out of the oven. Tali jumped from Ziva's lap to run to his side, excitement filling her features as Tony put on his gloves.

"One very tasty margherita slice for a very very beautiful princess," he said as he handed Tali a plate.

"And one very delicious pepperoni slice for a very very special agent."

"I am not an agent anymore," huffed Ziva.

Tony chuckled, handing her the plate as he sat down in front of her.

"Oh, bella, once a probie always a probie. You know the rule."

Ziva narrowed her eyes and he raised his chin in return, his eyes conveying another hidden message, like he always did with her.

_This is real. It was all real. This is the real you, the one I love and the one I respect. Deny all you want, but I will pull you back to it. It was all real._

Ziva must have shown him she understood, because in a moment there was a wink and in another, he was already asking Tali what she liked about the pizza.

And for the tenth time that day, she got a glimpse of things hidden beyond the normal eye could see.

She had learned for a while now happiness wasn't a goal exactly, but rather a sum of joyful moments. Moments like these, that meant so much more than any celebration. It meant life continued, whether she liked it or not, but it was her _choice_ to see the happiness behind it. It wasn't a constant nor a state, it was rather fluid.

The thought made her smile.

It was just like water.


End file.
